Ever have one of those days??? As a parent I mean? Maybe more so as a mother?? Where literally all you can do is wipe the tears off of your face, lift your chin up even though you are filled with doubt, and count the minutes till bedtime because you know at least then-all will be quiet and still just for a few moments, where you will not be failing? Taking deeps breaths, all I can seem to get out is-WOW. Along with a number of questions...what is going on with Elem? Why is he acting this way? Why is he whining so much? Why is he being so mean to all his friends at school? Why is he being so mean to me? Why cant I do anything right for him? What is he being so defiant? And so on and so on. These are the feelings I have been consumed with the past few days as a mother, and they are weighing heavy on my heart.
As an early childhood educated person-per say- I like to think that I have a lot of good answers when children are acting strangely, parents are confused, and temper tantrums are at full swing-but lately, even I am having doubts of this thing we call parenting! Or more so and more importantly to me-this thing we call parent / child relationships. I am tiptoeing a fine line of love, respect, and friendship with Elem, and this is quite possibly the hardest thing I have ever done. Way harder than carrying him for 9 months, way harder than going through 18 hours of labor and a HORRIBLE C-section, and even harder than the past 2 and 1/2 years of his life combined.
I want more than anything to have a close relationship with Elem, and for us to be able to tell each other anything, for him to be a momma's boy, and for him to just be a loving soul and person! But things are not looking so bright at the current moment. Am I asking to much or expecting too much at an early age. At this very moment, I honestly do not feel like I can do this! I do not know how much more whining and stomping of the feet I can take. How much more slapping and hitting and kicking at me I can take. How much more hour long screaming sessions I can take when I am sending him to time out. Or how much more peeing on my feet I can take when I am asked to sit on the floor while he poops, when all I can think about is taking a shower because I have to be at work in 30 minutes! The list goes on! Seriously it goes on and on and on and on. These are the questions I ask myself, and get me all worked up, just about every day. And I feel at a loss. I feel inferior and almost incompetent. Like Elem has "beat" me or like he is in charge, and I have no idea when I let it get that way.
Okay-now that I have vented my feelings, I must add that these feelings come from a week of extreme hard times. Seth has been gone for 7 days, I have been swamped at work, and Elem's birthday is quickly approaching, leaving me with the need to "make sure" he is a perfect 3 year old and met all the milestones etc. by Saturday-and for what? I have no idea! These are the standards and goals I have set for him myself-wanting him to be learning every single second of the day, be clean every single second of the day, and be dressed to the "t" every single second of the day. And the truth is, he could care less. All he wants to do is play basketball outside, and dig in the dirt. Literally dig in the dirt outside, and he would be totally content. Not that he wants to get his socks or shoes wet while he is digging, but still-digging none the less.
Ahhh-deep sigh. I can do this! Get myself together and just move forward. This is the terrible 2s right? And they are on their way out the door? Lets hope so. I want my kind hearted little sweet baby boy back that makes me feel like he needs me in the most special way with just the glance of his eyes. One that I can look at in a group of 7 toddlers and know he is not the one instigating the argument or fight! And one that will actual listen to me and respond to the words I have to say with respect. Ahhh-deep sigh again. I can do this! I can do this. I can do this. A million mothers a day can do this in way worse circumstances than I have, so I can freakin do this!
Off my soapbox- :) This morning Elem and I snuggled in the bed for about an hour-since Seth was out of town, we have been bed bunking for the duration of the night. I woke up to him saying, " hey momma, I loooove you." "tickle me". "Tickle me with both hands". Hahaha. Bless him. Even in a week of torture and absolute feelings of failure, he still makes me feel special if even only for a moment. But how sweet that moment was, I think I almost started crying when he said it. I am such a cry baby! Everything sweet he does just melts my heart-everything else he does just gives me anxiety. :)
Love you Elem Zane-get your act together-your birthday party is coming up in just a few days!
5 comments:
Whew, Mindy! I don't know how you do it. I mean, I like kids and all, but wow.
I sometimes wonder if parents who are also trained as educators (maybe especially early childhood educators) are harder on themselves when it comes to their children's behavior and development.
You're doing a great job. Every single child in your life knows you love him (or her :). Especially Elem. And Sadie. And as easy as it is for me to say it since Sadie hasn't reached this developmental stage, but it sounds to me like Elem's behavior is pretty much on target. Even as horribly frustrating as it can be at times. A problem I think I see sometimes in my extended family is that, once a toddler starts learning how to talk and interact more robustly with others, there's this leap in expectations--that now she should be able to control her emotions, now she should be able to "mind." And sometimes those expectations are too hasty. (Okay, expecting not to be peed on is pretty fair on your end!)
Anyway! Being the research nerd that I am, I've noticed quite a bit around the web about toddlers lately, and I've hunted them back down and posted them here. I hope this isn't annoying... Or overstepping boundaries. But maybe you can find something that can inspire you.
http://www.babydustdiaries.com/2010/04/terrific-toddlers/
http://codenamemama.com/2010/04/30/gentle-parenting-ideas-toddlers-perspective/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed:+CodeNameMama+(Code+Name:+Mama)
http://goodgoog.com/terrible-twos/
http://www.phdinparenting.com/2008/10/20/my-discipline-spectrum/
http://www.babydustdiaries.com/2010/05/carnival-of-gentle-discipline-wrap-up/
http://codenamemama.com/2009/09/08/toddler-10-commandments/
Wow Brooke! Thanks for the links. I am going to check those out tonight. For sure! And I think you are right-I think I am expecting waaaaay to much from Elem. I feel like he should be acting kind of like a 5 year old because he talks like one! haha.
I sent you a message on FB. Keep your chin up. I think Brooke made some really good points.
Sorry you are going through a rough week with little man:(. We all go through these and it definately doesn't mean we are bad parents but they are just toddlers trying to test there boundaries. It is what you do about it when they are testing. A parenting class I was just in said to make sure that you remember you are his mommy and not his friend. I think this is the best advise because we are afraid our kids won't love us if we make the wrong move or discipline them in the wrong way-but that is just not the case. Love you!!!
WOW! I completely understand exactly how you feel. Ella and I go round and round, what seems like all of the time. She definitely tests me all of the time. Stand your ground, and make sure he knows who is boss! You are a great mommy! But....I am not sure the 3's are much better! I see glimpses of Ella slowly maturing and GETTING it, but then there are just THOSE days! Happy Mother's Day, and Happy 3rd Birthday to Elem!
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